The #1 Relationship Killer Isn’t What You Think It Is…

August 29, 2025

I’ll be honest, most people think relationships end because of the big stuff: cheating, constant fighting, or “falling out of love.” But in my work as a sex therapist, I’ve seen the truth play out differently. Relationships often fall apart because of the small things. Not the dramatic fights, but the quiet eye roll, the subtle dismissal, the “whatever” muttered under the breath. Those little signals are louder than we think.

And this is not just my opinion, research backs this up.


What the Science Shows Us

Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected relationship researchers, spent decades studying couples. He found one of the strongest predictors of divorce is contempt. Not yelling, not even conflict, but contempt*. This can look like eye rolls, sarcasm, mockery, or belittling. In fact, Dr. Gottman found contempt predicts divorce with up to 94% accuracy! That’s wild, but also explains so much of what I witness in sessions.

When contempt shows up, respect and safety start leaving the room. And once emotional safety is gone, it doesn’t matter how much love is left, connection starts erodes.

*Contempt is more than just being annoyed. In relationships, it’s the act of communicating from a place of superiority: through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or dismissive tone. 

Psychologists describe it as one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown because it signals not just frustration, but disrespect. For context, frustration feels like, “I’m upset about what you did,” while contempt feels like, “I’m better than you.”


Beyond Contempt: Other Quiet Predictors

It’s not just contempt that signals trouble. Research also shows:

  • Relationship dissatisfaction matters more than you think. Studies find that even “moderate dissatisfaction” doubles the likelihood of separation. When dissatisfaction gets high, the risk triples.
  • Premarital doubts aren’t just cold feet. If you’re questioning things before making big commitments, those doubts can be powerful indicators of long-term struggles.
  • Commitment issues outweigh betrayal. While infidelity gets a lot of attention, most people cite lack of commitment as the main reason their relationship ended.


Why This Hits Differently for Queer Relationships

Here’s where my lens as a queer therapist comes in. In queer relationships, those “small things” often carry extra weight because they land on top of larger struggles. We’re already navigating systemic invalidation, family rejection, or cultural pressures. So when your partner shrugs you off or dismisses you, it doesn’t always feel like just a shrug… it can feel like confirmation of every time you’ve been told you don’t belong.

At the same time, these dynamics are universal. Straight, queer, married, poly—it doesn’t matter. We all know what it feels like to be dismissed, unseen, or treated like our voice doesn’t matter.


What We Can Do About It

So if tiny signals can do major damage, what can we do to protect our relationships? Research and practice point to a few key steps:

  • Catch contempt early. If you notice eye rolls or sarcasm creeping in, pause. Call it out with compassion, not attack: “Hey, I noticed that comment felt dismissive. Can we slow down, take a moment, and talk about it?”
  • Practice curiosity instead of judgment. Replace “Ugh, you always do this” with “Can you tell me what’s going on for you?” Curiosity can dissolve contempt before it takes root.
  • Check in regularly. Whether weekly or monthly, ask: “How are we doing? What’s been working? What hasn’t?” Small check-ins prevent big blow-ups.
  • Name your commitment. Queer relationships don’t always follow the traditional script—there may not be an engagement, wedding, or anniversary to mark commitment. That’s why saying it out loud matters. Simple affirmations like “I’m in this with you” remind your partner that despite the stress or routine of life, you’re still showing up. Research shows verbal affirmations strengthen trust and satisfaction, and for queer couples, they also push back against societal invalidation. It doesn’t have to be over the top, consistency matters more than extravagance.
  • Normalize therapy. Therapy isn’t just for “problems.” It’s a tool for growth, clarity, and staying aligned before resentment builds.


    • The Bigger Picture

    I remind my clients (and myself) often: relationships don’t usually break apart overnight. They chip away, one small dismissal at a time. But the good news? Repair also happens in small moments: through curiosity, affirmation, humor, and choosing to turn toward each other instead of away.

    Whether you’re queer, straight, single, partnered, or somewhere in between, the message is universal: pay attention to the small stuff. Because those “tiny” things? They build up over time.


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